I curled my Self around the ball at my feet and held on. You see, the form that I, my Body, wrapped my arms around was my Spirit.
Up until now it has been running wild, doling out its Energy at the slightest request and allowing itSelf to be taken wherever the wind would blow that was new, wherever someone was in need or to wherever It thought a challenge or adventure had presented itself; paying no heed whatsoever to It's own conservation or balance. Until finally, It's well had run dry.
This time I had actually stopped, exhausted, no longer able to chase, with no energy left to even care about catching up.
The days that followed were difficult. I had never been good at taming my Spirit. Every so often, It would start to rally, lift It's head and try to claw out of my grasp like a Stray Alley cat, ready to bolt off at the slightest scent of adventure. I held on with my last reserves of strength. Withdrawal set in and the addiction pains ran deep, but I held on and finally We started to breathe the same rhythm again.
Both of us started building a resistance to the temptation of Scheming, Planning, Committing to everything but today, and anything but exactly what Body and Spirit needed to do, which was rest and be right here, right now. The only problem was there was one last Piece that was missing.
The final and most difficult to lasso (Ok, I'm an Alberta girl, but did you know that the ancient Egyptians used them too??) and wrestle to the ground. At full speed.
The Mind.
No matter how much conscious presence I focused on, how much yoga I did, or how much stimulation I revoked my Mind always found a place to swing off to in a highly developed, efficient and sophisticated manner. All day, and night too.
I would wake up in the morning exhausted, looking haggard, hair askew (and I have enough of it to make quite a display), eyes puffy as though I had been wrestling a Monkey. And that blasted Monkey was still raring to go, teeth bared, hopping up and down, cackling. There wasn't a lasso long enough or strong enough to counter those wrangy arms and legs.
Practicing meditation had no greater result. Sitting in stillness, staying present, breathing and still that relentless Monkey would take me on a journey through my past, my present and then into my future and back again in a matter of seconds. It would get me all tied up and unable to extract or find Myself. Questioning, Toiling, Tumbling.
Where am I going? What am I doing? Why did I do that? Why didn't I say that? What does this all MEAN? I can do this next year. I could do that next month. And then maybe next week I can... Next, next, next.
Finally, an intervention. As a collective, we figured that if We don't sort this out and get on the same page We are going to end up in the deepest, darkest depths of a loony bin --maybe I am there already...feels like it some days.
After long, arduous negotiations (since each party figured they were the most qualified to make the decisions) there is now a Democracy of Three. Three equal votes. Me, Myself and I (one step further than Jim Carrey). Body, Mind and Spirit.
A quote I was introduced to this week says it so well. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing every day and expecting a different outcome." Thanks Einstein. (Ok, so I am Not a genius.)
I have been on so many paths. They have all overflowed with adventure and challenge at a high pace. I never knew until now that just sitting in the middle of the path, closing my eyes, looking inward and enjoying the simplicity of the act and the moment is as much a challenge as any I have undertaken. And with Monkey wrestling it's an adventure as well.
(Now don't kid yourself (because I don't myself) into thinking that I have given up my passion for new places, adventure and challenge with my eyes wide open. I can tame, lasso and wrestle with the best if them, but I am who I am. I just have a new appreciation for the balance and peace that this new form of adventure has brought and taught me.)
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